Crushes and Emotions Among Swinging Couples

Swinging refers to a form of consensual non-monogamy in which committed partners take part in sexual activity with other couples or individuals, usually together. Within Canada it is one of several open relationship styles, alongside polyamory and open relationships. A recurring theme in writing about the lifestyle is what happens when one partner develops feelings for someone met through it.

Such feelings are generally regarded as a normal human response rather than a sign that something has gone wrong.

Why crushes happen

A crush is a strong, often short-lived attraction marked by frequent thoughts about another person. Psychologists describe attraction as responding to novelty, shared enjoyment and physical chemistry. Social events where people share intimate experiences can intensify these ingredients, so attraction to a new acquaintance is a widely reported outcome.

Many swinging communities draw a distinction between recreational sex and emotional attachment, and some couples adopt agreements limiting contact outside organized events. Others treat friendship with other couples as an accepted part of the lifestyle.

Guilt, jealousy and compersion

Feelings of guilt are common when a partner is openly supportive but the person with the crush still senses a conflict with long-held expectations about exclusivity. Cultural norms around monogamy remain strong, and internalized expectations can persist even when a couple has agreed otherwise.

Jealousy is the emotion most often discussed, though it can appear in the partner who is not experiencing the crush as well. Compersion is a term used in non-monogamous communities for taking pleasure in a partner's happiness with someone else. People differ widely in whether they experience it, and its absence is not treated as a failing.

Communication as a recurring theme

Writers on non-monogamy consistently describe open conversation as central. Couples commonly discuss boundaries before an event, check in afterward and revisit agreements as circumstances shift. Frequent disclosure of feelings is often cited as a hallmark of couples who report satisfaction with the arrangement.

Research on consensual non-monogamy, mostly from North America, reports that relationship satisfaction among participants is comparable to that of monogamous couples, though findings depend on the sample studied.

When feelings grow stronger

Some couples find that a crush fades without any change in the relationship. Others renegotiate their agreements, step back from a particular pair, or move toward a different structure such as polyamory. Counsellors and therapists who work with non-monogamous clients exist in Canada, and some therapy associations list non-monogamy as an area of competence.

There is no single accepted pathway, and outcomes vary by couple.