Rape fantasies

QUESTION:
My partner and I have been experimenting with BDSM, whips, cuffs, the whole deal. It has all been
really hot so far, but she made a suggestion last night that I am unsure of. She wants me to do a rape
scene with her, me raping her. Part of me finds the idea appealing (we've done lots of role playing) but I
am still uneasy with it.
I didn't think rape would ever be a fantasy scenario.

Mr. Unpleasant, Moncton, New Brunswick

ANSWER:
Dear MU:
That your partner is suggesting rape play is a compliment to you and how responsibly you’ve behaved in
your play so far, as not many would suggest it to with someone who hadn’t already demonstrated they
can play in a way that both respects their boundaries and keeps it smokin’ hot!

Many people have rape fantasies. Whether or not it’s politically correct to admit it, it’s not surprising
given we live in a world where sexual assault is romanticized as a sign of uncontrollable desire (for
example, Pepe Le Pew and the rape scene in Gone With the Wind. For a fuller discussion of rape fantasies, check out: http://www.pandys.org/articles/rapefantasies.html.

When the person fantasizing has a history of sexual assault/abuse—and this is the majority of women
and many men—it may also be a way to address the emotions they feel as a result. They may want to
transform pain into pleasure, release emotions more fully, and/or regain power by controlling what
happens in the play through fully negotiating their wishes and boundaries ahead of time, even when
what they are negotiating is a scene where they appear to have no control at all.

Know that there is nothing wrong with rape play, or those who find it hot, regardless of their
gender identity or whether they’re into playing the rapist or the raped (some like both roles!). It is,
however, ‘edge play’ in the sense it explores more potentially explosive areas. I recommend safe words
for all BDSM play, including this, if you’re not using them already. For more information on safe words
read this.

This is an opportunity for both of you to discuss your fears and excitement about this form of play, as
well as any experiences of sexual assault (including child abuse). Having a history doesn’t mean you
can’t explore this form of play, but it may mean starting slowly. Take time to discuss your goals,
fantasies and concerns, and consider working with a BDSM competent therapist, separately or
together, to be sure you’re doing it as healthily as possible. This will also help you prepare for the
unexpected, like flashbacks or unexpected emotional reactions. For more information, check out http://
www.pandys.org/articles/BDSM_healing.htm
.

Most of all, take the time you need to be sure neither of you feel rushed into play you’re not ready
for. Take your time talking about what you’re looking for and how you imagine it going down (and
believe me, this can be hot foreplay!). Ask lots of questions. Will you be playing a stranger or someone she knows? Does she want to be physically hurt (e.g. slapped, spanked) or sexually hurt (rough sex,
fast penetration) or does she want the threat of it without the pain? How do you feel about what she
is asking for—remember, you get to say no and start slow too. I recommend checking out videos like
Tristan Taormino’s blazing hot Rough Sex—trust me, it will get you in the mood while giving you quality
safety information. Once you start playing, take your time, and talk about how you’re feeling as you go.
Be sure to provide lots of loving aftercare, and remember sometimes it takes a couple of days to fully
process scenes so more aftercare might be necessary for either of you.

Trust me, well done rape play can take an already delicious connection to spectacular new levels!

Kisses,
Leah

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