My BDSM Journey: the evolution of conclusions

I remember quite vividly the scene that lay before me as I walked into the hotel for my first ever play party in the fall of 2007.

I remember the brightly lit lobby, my heart pounding as my friend and I made our way to the hotel room door and the way my heart seemed to stop as I stood in front of it, listening to muffled yelps and slapping sounds coming from the other side, envisioning the kiss of leather on skin and the writhing bodies underneath.

My hand trembled as I raised it to rap against the door and I struggled to maintain my composure as it swung open and I finally crossed the threshold into what would become an increasingly integral aspect of my life.


I spent much of that night fighting my own anxiety and trying not to stare at the scenes in progress in front of me, struggling to keep my blatant fascination in check. It all seemed so utterly bizarre and so utterly natural all at once. The first time a paddle landed across my ass I felt like I was being knocked into another universe. There, in front of all these people my shame, fascination, pain and arousal were on display and it was completely enthralling.

Shortly after my first play party I went to a Subspace party for the first time (www.subspacelive.ca). It’s a great mix of dancing, play and people-perfect for a first timer. I was in the dungeon chatting up some new friends when one of them mentioned Fetlife (www.fetlife.com) to me so I ran home to my computer and discovered what would become one of my greatest resources over the next few years throughout my journey down the kinky rabbit hole. It’s a place to meet friends, connect with local events and read as much as your mind can absorb.

There is no topic without coverage on FL and you’re always free to post to different groups and ask questions. It’s like Facebook- but for kinky people. Through the website I became gradually more involved in my local scene, attending play parties and munches and meeting some sincerely fantastic people along the way. I’d never before had the luxury of being so open about my fantasies, desires and needs.

It was truly fascinating to see people engaged in such open and comfortable dialogue about the benefits of ring gags versus ball gags and how the weights of different floggers would alter the speed and type of flogger-to-body connection. Perhaps because there was such an open dialogue about sex it was also a more comfortable environment to speak up about safer sex and a relief to see most everyone agreeing to the benefits of protection.

I’ve been fascinated by sexuality for as long as I can remember. Many people I’ve spoken to who are now involved in one alterative sexual community or another recall childhood memories that make perfect sense now. For me it was playing cops and robbers in grade 2. I always wanted to be the robber and I always wanted to get caught. I yearned for the moment when I would be taken down, handcuffed and thrown in jail. It was exciting to be overpowered and comforting to be behind bars, safe and secure.

I’ve often wondered what causes people to want for this kind of community- is it a broken upbringing? Something dark and deeply rooted in our consciousness? Instinct going back to our days in the caves? I had a great conversation with someone about this at a play party last weekend. We’d both come from supportive, happy families and both had relatively good lives. We came to the same conclusion- to stop thinking about it and enjoy. So my need to feel comforted, safe and secure as early as age 7 was not the result of a broken home or a traumatizing experience- I can only summarize that this has been a part of me, as I suspect it has been a part of anyone else for as long as we’ve been alive.


Over time I’ve met dozens of beautiful souls in all possible configurations of gender and relationships and I’ve become exponentially more confident with my body. When my journey into kink began I seriously disliked my body- was convinced it was the ugliest form out there.

Over the past 5 years I’ve gradually become more comfortable taking off my clothing- now I barely think twice about peeling off my corset or walking around in my underwear, and the beauty of this lies in the very real community that is kink and the comfortable energy nurtured at almost every event. I’ve had some fantastic experiences I never would have previously considered- just last Friday I had artistic needlework performed on me for the first time and loved it while a couple of years ago I likely would have run in the other direction.

I’ve been flogged and whipped on St. Andrew’s Crosses, spanked, paddled and caned on benches, I’ve been suspended from the ceiling with rope and participated in scenes offering intensely cathartic emotional experiences and had the privilege of knowing the intense connection of a D/s dynamic. My orientation is in constant evolution and I now have a laundry list of experiences just waiting to happen.

The true beauty of this lifestyle is in the learning experiences possible in every scene, the true sense of respect for people and for consent, and the feelings of kindness, community and inclusivity present amongst everyone.
My curiosity rules me and I am eager to accept the challenge my next step down the rabbit hole presents. This is the way life is meant to be lived.